letting go

It has come to my attention recently that the effects of love and indifference can, on the surface, look identical. Before your brain boggles, let me explain:

To love a person, you must let him/her go.

You let people go all the time that you don't particularly care about. In dating situations, you might simply just not call for that second or third date. In business situations, you tighten your network. In fb land, you purge your friendlist. You let go.

But you also let go of people you love very best. Mothers send their children off to college every year. And to kindergarten (maybe the same mom doesn't do both every year, but...). Fathers watch their teenagers take the car, wondering if both will make it back in one piece. Caretakers sit by the sickbed, coming to terms with the inevitable in quiet conversations - and often, the sick try to hold on until their loved ones are a little more ready. In relationships, sometimes you love people so much that even though it hurts like a knife to contemplate them being happy with someone else, you know that they wouldn't be happy and it's better to end the relationship sooner rather than later--before it hurts even more.

Love is a 'many splendored thing' - comes in different sizes and shapes. Actually, the love emanating from each person is never the same color or shape or density because no two people are alike...and every person loves no two other people in exactly the same way, so the shape of love between two people is also varied.

Love, as recorded earlier in my All in a Word post, can be unrequited. Or unbalanced. Too giving, or too selfish. No wonder speakers of other languages get so frustrated by the word "love" in English. There's only one word for it. Not like "moisture" (rain, sleet, snow, drizzle, shower, thunderstorm). Adding descriptors is necessary. Maybe the English needed reasons to constantly re-think, re-define, re-actualize their love. Maybe they were just too lazy to come up with new beautiful words to describe their feelings.

In any case, love is a gift - to receive, and to give - each spark of true love is unique, culminating in burning heartfires. So I'm going to treasure each flare of sulphur I receive, and rejoice in every stick of kindling I give...until the time comes to let go.

Thanksgiving

This year, I deviated from my usual pattern for Thanksgiving and went to J's J's Parent's House for Thanksgiving, and was indoctrinated into Other Ways of Thinking About Thanksgiving as a result.

Meaning, I tried new food.
I had some homemade pickles for the first time on Thanksgiving. They were delicious.
I also had some chocolate mascarpone pudding-ish goodness. It was like...a pudding brownie. Or something. Words can't describe it but it was really yummy. Good enough that I felt like saying, "These mashed potatoes are so creamy" about fifty times because it was, in fact, that creamy. (No, they weren't chocolate potatoes. But the movie quote was just irresistible.)
I also had mashed potatoes with leeks in them. They were also good.
I also had no stuffing. (at least, on Thursday. I had crock pot stuffing on Friday, which was surprisingly delicious.) I didn't even really know I liked stuffing until it just wasn't there. It's still definitely not my favorite...I guess it's all about expectations.
Zucchini-thickened gravy, instead of made with flour or cornstarch. Which didn't make it taste like zucchini, but it added some color to it.
I also had an entire drumstick and didn't gnaw on it. I was proud of myself. The turkey was also soaked in beer, which I had never had either.
I also ate cranberry cheese. That is, cheese with cranberries in it.
And chocolate tortilla chips. Yep. Actual chocolate in the chip. They took me by surprise, and not in a bad way.
And I eyed a "Mock-Apple pie" with distaste and refused some. Apparently you can make apple-less apple pie if you dunk Ritz crackers in apple pie spices and bake it. (Or some such nonsense. It wasn't plausible enough that I wanted to test it out.)
Kale salad with cheese. I had never seen so much kale in my life. The dressing was also very good. And there was cheese on the salad. 
Oreo whipped cream. Or, cookies n cream cream. Oreo whipped cream sounds better. Also less like generic brand. (I usually don't much care between brand name and no name, but in Oreo cases, Nabisco always wins.) 
I also had some grapefruit, strawberry-jello pie. That's right. Grapefruit, coated in strawberry jello mixture stuff. It was actually really good. The tart of the grapefruit and then the sweet of the jello was a surprisingly attractive mix. It was just the aftertaste that I wasn't sure about.

I also saw a Yoda-head earring in the process of being made, a blue heron, high high tide, a beautiful view of the Sound, won at Sevens, and met twins. Oh. And did some black friday shopping. So all in all, it was an eventful weekend.

I'm thankful that I have a good life. It could be better, but I think a lot of the reason why it isn't earth-shatteringly great on most days is because I could simply have a better attitude and be more grateful for the things I have and try harder to get the things I don't have that are really important to me.  But I'm thankful that I do try, and you know, sometimes bad things just happen. But a lot of how good my life will be dependent on how I choose to react to the bad things.

I'm going to go forage for leftovers. In the meantime, hope you all had a great Thanksgiving weekend!

I Feel (Good?)...

11/15/11, 8:06 am CST: Feeling: Sick.   I was on Day 5 1/2 of An Exceedingly Bad Cold.

11/15/11, 3:24 pm CST: Feeling: Joy.    As  I was leaving I got a "star upon thar" in the form of a red star sticker from my niece. She told me I was the Best Auntie Ever for being the first to come visit her in her new house. (Other Aunties, be not jealous. I am sure if you ever visit you will get Best Auntie Ever stickers, too.)

11/15/11, 7:50-8:26 pm PST: Feeling: Pain. I had a head cold and with no decongestant I got on a plane. I think I'm really lucky that my eardrum(s) didn't rupture. The pressure was so bad. I hurt so much. I couldn't even think about being nauseated because the head situation was so bad.

11/15/11, 8:40 pm PST: Feeling: Relieved/Happy. No longer on the plane ride! While I am appreciative of the fact that the landing was butter smooth, the pressure was really a killer. Upon reflection of the events of the day, I smiled because I got a package of Kleenex from a sister to show she loves me (and she let me use up like a whole box while I was there, too), a ride to the airport from a brother-in-law, seven games with Gregor, and Kater watched intently as I packed. The girl who has to be torn from movies wanted to watch me pack! I was nearly overcome.

11/15/11 10:20 pm PST: Feeling: Relieved. Home. Cold. In pajamas. Reading 'directions' on decongestant I purchased as soon as I got home.

11/15/11, 11pm-1am today, PST: Delirium.

11/16/11 6:50 am: Feeling: Like I slept. I went to bed and didn't wake up feeling like there was fire in my nose six times during the night. I'm pretty sure I didn't breathe through my mouth either because I think I was too busy grinding my teeth instead. You know you really need to go see that second and third dentist to get opinions when a lot of your dreams feature teeth.


11/16/11 8:24 am: Feeling: Worried. All the decongestant that was supposed to be slow release, over 12 hours, decided to take effect on my walk to work. I thought my head was going to 'bust a gasket', as my dad would say, before I could safely get to work and take care of the situation. Thankfully, I made it and you did not see "Seattle Woman's Head Explodes; Officials Rush To Clean Up Damage" on the mid-morning Yahoo post. Phew.

11/16/11 1:06 pm: Feeling: Good. I'm sitting in my work chair, downing my not-pho, when I realize: I feel good. I'm not tired. My head doesn't ache. Yeah, I'm sick, but...wait!! I'm sick? Who knew?

11/16/11 2:11 pm: Feeling: Medicated. Holy cow. No wonder I felt good not so long ago! Ick. I seriously think I had some hallucinations. No wonder people can get addicted to cold medicine!

11/17/11 11:30 am: Feeling: Deja vu. I just spend three hours on the phone with the tech guy because my connection to the server went out. I thought I was disconnecting my LAN cord and reconnecting it (at the source end; I'd already tried the computer end) but accidentally disconnected from the tech guy instead because I (in my medicated state) mistook the phone jack for the LAN jack. Ugh. And then when the guy called me back (thank you!) my computer had magically reconnected itself to the server and everything was fine. Yay for being fine. Not yay for randomly having issues and then making people think I'm delusional because they miraculously fix themselves. (I was going to add 'without explanation' there, but figured that 'miraculous' covered that, too.)

11/17/11 2:00 pm: Feeling: Hungry. Late lunch!

11/17/11 7:00 pm: Feeling: Shocked. Still not hungry, but at the grocery store. While shopping for Fage (yum! my new favorite) and gleefully hoarding all the remaining Snack'mm jars of Vlasic pickles because they were on sale for $2.50 (they're usually $4) I realized, out of the blue, that I had forgotten to eat breakfast that morning! That never, ever happens to me. I have never 'forgotten' to eat breakfast before. I blamed it on the cold medicine and decided to abstain from then on.

11/18/11 5:00 pm: Feeling: Relieved. It's the weekend, everybody! Also, I stopped at the library and picked up some good stuff. :) Also, a bit frustrated that I am still not back to 100%. But at least I don't sound like a man-braying-donkey anymore.

11/19/11 9:00 am: Feeling: Like I should get out of bed. But I actually couldn't make myself get out of bed, so I waited until J called me at 10:15 to do so. (I know.)

11/19/11 4:00 pm: Feeling: COLD. And over-shopped. 30 degrees outside and lots of sticker shock can do that to a girl.

11/19/11 9:00 pm: Feeling: Finished with this blog post. Hopeful that tomorrow I will be back to 100%!

Game Face

I really like to play games. I like to win games, too. I don't mind losing, but what I do mind is losing a game that took forever to play and it was clear from, oh, round 4 of 386 that I was going to lose, and lose by a wide margin. It kind of depends on the day. Sometimes you could kick my proverbial trash and I would just smile and blithely whistle the rest of the day away. Sometimes I can get a super grouch face on that doesn't evaporate until you feed me or I sleep or both. Probably both. (Let's be honest.)

During a visit to my sister in TX, I was playing with her boy. He's great at games. He's only five. He is so accommodating and although he does occasionally peek when he's not supposed to, and he sometimes whines when things don't go his way, he is generally very self-regulated and even polices himself when he cheats. He's so cute! (Cute is an understatement, but I thought I'd give you a break from all my hyperbole for this post.)

Anyway, so a lot of this visit has been spent playing games and reading books and sleeping. (This is how almost all my visits go. It's great. Sadly I also got sick this time around, but hey, you can't win 'em all.) 

The first night I was in town, I asked Gregor what he wanted to play, and he said, "We could play Memory, or Go Fish with Memory cards." 

I said, "Okay..." but before I could finish vocalizing my game choice, he interrupted and said, "Let's play Go Fish with Memory cards, because I don't really like Memory." He said it in the most polite voice. I couldn't help it - neither could his mom - we both burst out laughing. 

I guess there's more than one type of game face - poker face, and honest face. I prefer honest face. 

Proper Protocol

Imagine falling asleep on the couch - not feeling so hot, meaning to go to bed but just not quite getting there before you pass out. You're sleeping lightly, with the light on (which means you must be really tired), and then all the sudden your eyes open wide because you hear the distinct sound of a key in your lock. It's not your key. Your keys are in their usual spot. (Yes, your eyes check just to make sure.)

The noise, followed by muffled sounds of agitation, and keys being dropped on the ground, comes again as the would-be intruder makes another go.

Not wanting to believe your ears, you cautiously make your way across the floor to the door and slide up to the peephole. Peering out, you see that someone, indeed, is trying to make his way into your apartment. Sagging against the wall, your brain does some mental calculations, runs through a few scenarios as you watch the lock, praying that it doesn't give, and you ask yourself this question:

What is proper protocol when a neighbor mistakes your apartment for his at 1:30 am?

Do you open the door and give him the Evil Glare of Death?
No. Too risky. What if he was inebriated or had violent tendencies?

Do you not say anything and just hope he'll wise up and go away?
No. You might die of adrenaline spiking by then. Besides, what if he got frustrated and kicked the door down?

Do you yell rudely through the door, "Look, buddy, you've got the wrong apartment!"
No. That might wake other neighbors up. Their sleep time is important, too.

I'll tell you what I'd do. It may not be Proper Protocol, but I'd knock on *my* side of the door and say politely, "Excuse me, I believe you have the wrong apartment."

Then hopefully, the keys would drop as the owner was completely stupefied by his mistake. The mutterings would cease. And what would be extra nice would be an apology in the form of: "Oh! I'm so sorry!" being heard through the door.

And I would check the door three times to make sure it was still intact and then huddle in bed until I fell asleep.

Thank you, Gmail

Whenever I sign on to Gmail and look at my contact list for people to gchat with (it's not IM, it's gchat. Amazing job, Google branding team!), there's one name at the bottom that always pulls my heart strings: Rosc W. There's a little grey 'x' by his name, but then again, since I'm invisible, there's always an 'x' next to mine, too. Even though the last time we gchatted was more than a year ago, Gmail's memory, scary-elephantine in its capacity, remembers that R and I chatted. Even though it's irrational, I like to think that Gmail knows how important R was to me, and that's why he is always on my gchat short list. Always there, at the bottom.

I think it's R's little private joke on the big corporation; like he went in the back way and permanently programmed gchat to always include him on my list, thereby reminding me via google that he'll always be there for me, just a memory (or soul [g]chat) away.

Way I Am

by: Ingrid Michaelson. Listen Here.  (But don't watch the movie.)

Real Words                                                                    My Words
If you were falling, then I would catch you                 If you were falling, then I would catch you 
                                                                                         with open arms


You need a light, I'd find a match.                                 You need a light, I'd find a match
                                                                                            (or flashlight) 


Cause I love the way you say good morning.                  Cause I love the way you say good morning.


And you take me the way I am.                                       And you take me the way I am.


If you are chilly, here take my sweater.                           If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
                                                                                            sorry it's so small
 
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.                           Your feet are aching, I'll rub them better


Cause I love the way you call me baby.                            Cause I love the way you call me baby


And you take me the way I am.                                           And you love me the way I am.


                                                                                     
I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.    I'd do the laundry so you have clean  underwear 
                         
Sew on patches to all you tear.                                                  Match your work socks to show I care


                                                                              
Cause I love you more than I could ever promise.                  Cause I love you more than I could ever promise.


And you take me the way I am.                                                  And you take me the way I am.


You take me the way I am.                                                         You accept me as I am.


You take me the way I am.                                                          You take me the way I am.

Fed Up**

I'm fed up with you.
I'm fed up with you.
I'm not fed down, fed around, fed under
Not fed in, fed out, just about fed over
You starved love 'anywhere a cat can go'
All that's left is up so that's where I'll aim for
Got no emotion left to give to you
I'm just fed up. We're through.

You treat me like I'm nothin' when you know full well I'm not.
Don't even have the grace to give me notice of your thought
That maybe we're not good as two and single is your pref
I'm shouting via text to you and you pretend you're deaf 

That's why:

I'm fed up with you.
I'm fed up with you

I'm not fed down, fed around, fed under
Not fed in, fed out, just about fed over
You starved love 'anywhere a cat can go'
All that's left is up so that's where I'll aim for
Got no emotion left to give to you
I'm just fed up. We're through.

You never call me when you say you will and that's not cool 
Then give me lame excuses like you think that I'm a fool
I tried to make excuses and I told myself 'it's fine'
I truly can't believe I ever wanted you as mine.

I passed initial numbness and moved on to Angry Girl
I'm out of softish objects that it's safe for me to hurl
I skipped right past resigned and now I'm at this new heart stage:
'The lameness that you are should incite a public outrage.'

And so:

I'm fed up with you.
I'm fed up with you
I'm not fed down, fed around, fed under
Not fed in, fed out, just about fed over
You starved love 'anywhere a cat can go'
All that's left is up so that's where I'll aim for
Got no emotion left to give to you
I'm just fed up. We're through.




**All characters in this work of fiction are purely fictional. Any references to real people, events, or places is incidental and should not be construed as anything else. Meaning, I did not write this about me. Or about you. It's what my mom would call a high school poem.

all in a word

Sometimes, as I've discussed previously, one word can bring an overwhelming image to your mind. Sometimes it's simple, like "sun" or "square" or "blue." Other times it's more complex, taking more words to bring any image at all.

One such word - the kind that requires no explanation: unrequited.

I can't decide if I'm really glad that there's one word that describes so utterly perfectly the stress, angst, sorrow, despair, and loneliness of the condition of being on the giving side; OR if I just want to cry because the need for the word exists at all. (How depressing, to have "unrequited" as a label for your affection!)

Unrequited, you're a slave driver of the giver of affection and the bane of the recipient of your minion's labor. You choose to exert no control and continue to attract participants like moths to a flame. Unrequited, you're no fun for either person. You should always be the first to leave a party, with dignity and poise, but instead you're last. You're clingy and maybe even a bit stalkerish. No good.

Wish I could find a requited partner for you - so you could fit together like puzzle piece sentinels of love. Then maybe instead of 'unrequited' you could be relabeled "happily-ever-after."

Cats

Hekter T. Phoodle
(or, a Cat Resume)

Employment:
Laze-About, Principal Director: birth-present. Job duties include yawning, stretching, occasionally purring, and generally burning minimal calories.
Picky-Picky Cat Food, Nose-Upturner: since memory began-present.
Hello, Kitty! (American Realist) Very Cute Kitten: Age 0-6 months.*

Special Skills:
1. Dandy Danderifier: I spread dander and make people sneeze just by living! This is awesome. You should think so, too.
2. Regeneration: Hair is my specialty. I can shed enough hair in 1 month to clog any vacuum cleaner. Twice.
3. Baleful Hiss: I practice at least 3x daily. Key is to follow the hissing action with:
4. Inscrutable Stare: No blinking. Ever.
5. Expert Shredder: Anything you don't want sliced to ribbons with my genuine, non-imitation, did I mention, not fake, claws. The sharper the better!
6. Meowing: Scorning the stage rendition of my species.
7. Rhyming:  Meow::cow, bow, row, dhow, frau, how, Mau, now, ow, pow(wow), sow, tau, vow, wow.
8. Look, Ma! Kitty Litter: Use kitty litter as directed. Most of the time. 
 9. Purring. Perhaps I should have mentioned this first. I have received 3 Inappropriate Length Purr Awards.
10. Hunting. Self-explanatory in urban or non-urban environments. No further explanation is given.



References:
1. Puss In Boots
2. Cat Lovers Anonymous (ask for V or K)
3. Fiendish Felines

here comes the rain again

falling on my head like a memory

We had a vacation of sorts: it was shorter than implied when I signed up for vacation days in June*, and longer than expected when the boss handed out updated scheduling info in mid-August. In summary, after three and a half weeks with nary a raindrop in the waking hours, here comes the rain again. It started yesterday and continued today and will probably continue until...well...June of 2012. Already I miss the sunshine.

In just a few weeks, the memory of sunshine and warmth will become a near figment of my imagination. I will wonder if natural vitamin D and UV ray gathering is something only in movies or in archaic books. So I will hold on tight to the memory of no down blanket on the bed and the option of wearing socks everywhere and being even approaching too warm with all my might in the hopes that it will carry me over to next 'summer.'

*Actually, I signed up as soon as daylight savings took effect in 2010, but I knew that was a little early to begin to hope, but I just had to do it.

taking care of business, and working overtime

Yesterday I went grocery shopping at 3:30 pm.

"Why aren't you at work?" you might have asked me if you saw me in the store.

The answer is that I went on an airplane ride, and as the day was mostly gone anyway when my flight got in, I decided to take a much-needed break.

As I was in the store, something weird happened to me: I started to dance. A little soft shuffle as I went past the eggs. A crossover step past the ice cream. I was humming. It was weird. Which prompted the thought: "What's going on here?"

The answer was simple. I had worked a shorter day than usual. I actually had *energy*. And because I was at the store at 3:30, and not at work, and I hadn't even taken the day off, it felt marvelous.

It might have been partly the novelty of it, or the fact that I was 'playing hooky'. (Though if my boss had been in the same situation I'm sure she would have done the same thing...it's just that I checked my blackberry a few times, and she might have looked at it all night.)


So I took the break where I could find one, and I enjoyed every last shuffle-step egg-walk frozen food groove second of it. 

Buckets

Bucket List for Portland

Restaurant                      Destination                          Tourist Activity
Screen Door  11/12                Crater Lake                        Powell's City of Books 10/10
Veritable Quandary 1/12         Newport 3/13                     Pittock Mansion 2/18/13
Marco's Cafe  2/13                 Lava Lakes                         OMSI 7/11/12
Andina 10/12                          Seaside                               Jet-boat on the Willamette 9/24/12
Fat City  10/1                         Multnomah Falls                 Saturday Market 9/12
El Toro                                   Hawthorne                          Portland Swifts
Mother's  11/12                      Dam                                    Portland Art Museum 1/4/13
Salt and Straw 6/13                Smith Rock 7/13                International Test Garden (Roses) 9/12
Jake's                                      Woodburn Outlet 9/12        Chinese Garden 2/13
Nel Centro                               Astoria                               Japanese Garden 10/11
                                                                                          Zoo
                                                                                          The Grotto
                                                                                          

                        





Bucket List for Seattle: (will be edited as needed)
Restaurant                      Around Town                                  Event or Day/Road Trip 
Anthony's 8/11                  Paddleboating on Greenlake 8/11       Gasworks Park     7/12
Molly Moon's 7/11           Golden Gardens  3/11                         Dan's Broiler 7/12          
Cafe Presse 9/11              Swimming in Greenlake                       Bremerton 3/12                                  Burgermaster 7/11            Hockey game                                     Vashon 8/11
Dan's Broiler 7/12            Uwajimaya (again) 2/13                     Clipper trip to Victoria
Jade Garden                      record at EMP                                   San Juan Islands 5/19/12
Etta's 3/11                         Elliott Bay Books 4/3/12                    Ellensburg Rodeo
Salumi 8/22/12                  Karaoke                                          King Tut Exhibit 8/23/12
Poppy 2/11                       Lake Chelan 3/11                             Puyallup Fair 9/11
Cafe Presse 9/11              All SPL locations                               Mariners game 6/12
Tin Table 4/3/12              Emerald Downs   7/14/12                   La  Conner 4/7/12
Molly Moon's 7/11           Fremont Troll   2/11                           Road trip to Whistler
Toulouse  1/21/11              Frye Museum  8/24/12                     Deception Pass 4/7/11
Mora's                              Space Needle 4/12                           Whale Watching Trip 5/19/12
10 Mercer                         Show at the Paramount                     Port Townsend 3/12
Five Spot 2/12                   Uncle Elizabeth's 3/31/11                 Olympic Peninsula (Port Angeles) 3/12                     Boeing Factory Tour                        Tulip Festival  4/7/11
Saltoro 10/11                     Seattle Jazz Vespers 10/11               Anacortes  4/7/11
Pink Door  4/6/12               Seattle Symphony                            Deception Pass 4/7/12  
13 Coins 4/27/12                Volunteer Park 7/12                        Gig Harbor 4/12
Serious Pie 7/10                  Smith Tower Chair 8/15/12             Bainbridge
Barking Frog                       Olym Sculpt Grdn 4/12                    Mt. Rainier Forest
                                            Bumbershoot                  
                                            Sounders game                            
                                            Dusty Strings    
                                          UW Arboretum 8/11 
                                                                                                 
                                           
                           

Items that caused me to make the Seattle list:
Pike Place Mkt * French Crepe Place * Wild Ginger * Lola's *  Dahlia Lounge * Green Leaf * Elephant & Castle * Snoqualmie Falls * Ballard Locks * SAM * Ipanema * Machiavelli * Argosy Cruise * Gorditos * Tilth * Tango *                          

San Francisco(ish) Bucket
Sausalito 5/6/12                               California Science Academy  12/11        SF Zoo
Union Square 12/4/11                      Ferry Building                                        Exploratorium
Golden Gate Bridge walk 5/6/12      SF Symphony 5/5/12                             Windiest Road 5/30/12
Lands End                                       Giants game   6/28/12                                Monterey Aquarium
Tcho Chocolate Tour
    

SF Items that caused me to make the SF iteration:
Amoeba  * whale-watching * Palace of Fine Arts * de Young * Legion of Honor * Napa * Pier 39 (don't forget elephant feet/ In n Out) * Ghirardelli Square * Alcatraz * Grace Church Cathedral * La Boulange * Stacks * Hayes Valley * Prospect


Bucket List for New York City
Guggenheim
Central Park
Metropolitan Museum of Art
Frick Collection
Statue of Liberty
Staten Island
Carnegie Deli
Museum of Natural History
Museum of Modern Art
Show on Broadway
Times Square


Bucket List for Chicago
Architecture Tour
Art Institute
Millennium Park
Wrigley Field
Museum of Science & Industry
Shedd Aquarium
Field Museum
Miracle Mile
Top of the Hancock Building


General Bucket List
Uffizi
British Museum
Michelangelo's David
Stonehenge
Brighton
Bath
Scottish moor