When I Ruled the World

facebook.comTitle credits: Coldplay, "Viva la Vida" --is that not the best ad ever?

When I rule the world, I'm going to:

1. Get David Cook to go out with me on a date, and shoot for a long-term relationship. He's amazing, I love him. Not just for the sparkle in his eyes, his sexy smile or his control of his voice. He's real, he's good, and I really feel like he connected with me. When I rule the world, he'll see that the connection is two-sided, and forget all about that stupid Kimberly Caldwell girl (plastic faces will not be in vogue when I am in charge, by the way).

2. Go on a date with Sidney Crosby, too, if things with DC don't work out. Cradle robbing is all the rage!

3. Work 23.5 hours a week, and get paid $120K/year.

4. Make a national Sleep Day! Honor the sleepers! It won't be "the big six"--it will be "the big seven"! Sleeping will not be compulsory; however, operating lawnmowers, revving motorcycles, turning up NPR, and any other activity that generates enough decibels to awaken me will be banned, and punishable with fines.

5. Fix Wal-Mart's wagon. Byebye, "Sam!"

6. Make sure the patch of road at the intersection of Gateway and Barrington is smoothed out. Gosh, my brain has joggled so much from going over all the bumps it's amazing I have any noggin power at all!

7. Have a driver named Max.

8. Reinstate the civil liberties of keeping your shoes on in a public place (the airport) and being able to take a bottle of water on the plane!!

9. Build a public transit system that will make Tube-riders jealous of LA.

10. Have a genius, workable idea of a health care system.

11. Create the most comprehensive, awesome library EVER, and ban terrible employees!

12. Prosecute pornography distributors and employers of illegal aliens, derail all pyramid schemes and the oil oligarchy, and ensure each person has easy access to a recycling facility.