From my Front Porch

Today, I was in a hot place. There is nothing like a summer morning in the desert. The air is just...there's an indefinable quality to it that is unlike any other.

I was sitting on the porch, watching the sun set over the lake, as I have many times, and hope to do many more times. I was sitting by myself, as usual. I can't even tell you how many times when I was a teenager in angst I sat on that porch and waited for [insert boy-of-the-month's name here] to call, or stop by, or for a boy to magically appear and sweep me off my feet...or how many times I sat and picked the dead heads off the petunias in anger or self-pity. (My excuse is that I was a teenager. Please, give me some slack.)

Today I was also waiting. Waiting for something...this time, I wasn't sure what. Now that I'm inside, I'm still not sure. But I had, just a few hours earlier, received life-altering news of the negative sort: one of my best friends - a person who I loved well, who was the kind of person who made a difference to other people - has passed from this earth and is on his journey back to God. I had made a  few phone calls to a few friends, letting them know the news, still numb, still in shock.

It almost felt like I was waiting for a friend to call me, as I sat there, phone in hand, watching the green meld with the orange as the sun melted behind the island. It's one of those moments when you feel sad but you're not going to cry - when you're not quite sure what to feel, but whatever it is you're feeling, it's intense and it's not going to go away.

Life will never be the same. But there's still the porch. And the lake. And the summer nights in the darkness. And the waiting. Maybe soon, I will find what I am looking for, and I won't be waiting any more. Or maybe I'll always be waiting for something. I kind of hope not, as to me that means I will never be satisfied with what I have - never content or even happy to be on the stretch of road that I'm at - always wishing I was further ahead or in a place lagging behind. There's an art to living in the moment that I just haven't mastered yet. But I'll get there. Even if it's the last thing I do.

Cheers, R. I love you. May you finally be granted peace after your long, painful journey.

No One Is To Blame

PS, I like that Howard Jones song. :) Reminds me of mah li'l sis, V.

I've been noticing a few things lately:
1. How come gnats always seem to congregate at eye/face level, in the middle of the sidewalk?

I know there are a lot of gnats. But seriously, they are always at face level. Does anybody who's not 5'6" have this problem?!?!?!

2. My brain seems to be full of useless information.
How come I can't tell you certain aspects of my job that I clearly should know, and know well, and be able to explain to a complete stranger/novice, but I can describe the latest happenings of several celebrities? It just seems unfair. I don't even want to know what endorsements the famous have or where they went last week or who they are currently with, and yet my poor brain records every fact and retains it. How come I can't retain the meaningful stuff?!?! ARGH.

3. How is it that being irritated is so easy, especially over little things, and being happy, even over big things, seems to be a much greater challenge for many of the people I know?

4. Some girls do all the dating. Some people always reach out to the other person in the 'relationship.' Some people have no-touchy bubbles at least a yard wide. We're just different. There's no getting around it, even if we want to.

5. Why is it that when you drink several kinds of alcoholic beverages in a night that your hangover is worse the next day than it would be if you just drank vodka?

6. I seem to be one of the dwindling few who  the who hopes Facebook perishes soon.

7.  I prefer green grapes to red ones. Oh, the horrors. when did this happen?

8. Grouchy really does not wear well.