Hold On

I love many people in my life. Thank you, all of you, who love me back, who provide me support when I'm weak, help me laugh when I'm strong, and carry me when I feel like I can't go another emotional step on my journey.

One of my favorite people on the earth is gravely ill. I feel helpless, like one grain of sand being tossed about in the ocean, and yet I have hope that I and my loved ones will make it to the shore and will be made into a beautiful sandcastle someday, all living together.

One of my other favorite people on earth is a brave warrior, learning vast amounts of knowledge, making critical decisions daily, staying strong for her greatest love. Caregiving is hard. So hard. I only have a taste of it, and I am not sure I could carry myself forward with the fortitude and determination she carries with every step she takes. Then again, our minds, bodies, and spirits are resilient things. God made us so we could adapt, and I know He is helping her to be strong in the face of the leech/storm that is cancer. 

Heaven seems so far from hospitals. It's hard to feel God's love in a such a sterile, beeping, somehow toxic environment. I walked by several rooms yesterday and saw no loving hands holding, no soft love whispers, no person attentively listening to a treatment plan. It made me feel sad to think of all these people in the ICU who had no one to come visit them. At all. And more grateful that I have people who will come - running, or flying - when I call for help.

Hope and peace is what we need. That, and a miracle. It's hard sometimes to say "whatever will be will be" or "it is what it is" or "It's in God's hands now." We always have been in God's hands. It's just that sometimes we are more aware that he could squeeze a little, molding us in not-so-subtle ways.And that's not always easy to accept. Right now I'm not liking being squeezed so much.

R, I love you. J, I love you. Stay strong. Hold on.