hide and seek

Today Grandpa B came over for a surprise visit and, much to his surprise, I think, he stayed for dinner and we had a good time. (Enchiladas!) I am so glad the boys have decided they like them.

After dinner, as an extended Advent activity, each of us took a turn "seeking" except me. For some reason, I was suddenly overcome by an irrational fear of not being able to find anyone and having to hunt for forever. Truth be told, there are not many stellar hiding places in our house; however, HH managed to find a passable one and, combined with our children not being particularly observant (I didn't want to actively partake in the "seeking" as I thought it would be an unfair advantage), the kids searched for HH for a long time. He got bored after awhile and turned on the sound system (there's an app for that, yes) and turned on creepy music. L got freaked out and so we yelled and ask him to  change to Hot and Cold Dr. Who -- the closer we got, the louder the music. It was an interesting twist on the game -- if the music is super loud, you can't hear breathing, and it's odd to know the other person knows you're there and close but you don't know where they are. It took a few repeats of the opening Dr. Who theme before the kids found him. He was hiding behind the curtains in his office and the kids had even come into the room a few times and once were within six inches of where he stood. It's so interesting how you can be looking for something and it's right in front of you, and you know it is, but you still can't see it.

Yesterday marked a year since I first met my HH. The day after, I hosted a very successful party, which I posted about, and it seems like it was a turning point: the day after my life changed and was going to get better.

Sometimes I look at him (HH) and it seems so short since we got married and I have a mini-panic session about the choice I made. ("Do I know this person? Is he safe to kiss?") Other times, he is reading my actions and finishing my sentences and it seems as though we have been together for forever.

Being married is so different than I ever thought it would be. My emotions about being married and my spouse and situation are different than I imagined they would be, as well. Not everything is roses and moonlight -- something I knew in theory, but as much as I could have mentally prepared myself, it's all different when kids have meltdowns and the house is a mess and I'm tired and all I want is ten minutes to myself in the shower without being interrupted. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing hide-and-go-seek with my "new" reality -- it's like my internal stability, which hindsight is painting as predictable and safe (which it definitely wasn't, in many ways) is hiding and I'm seeking it. Constantly! Living with two young boys is never boring.

Life is raw, real, and messy; however, its rewards are great: I am privileged to reach out in the night and know my HH will always reach back. I do not have to play hide-and-seek with him. Or my boys.
I am grateful for each kiss, hug, and joyful cry of "mom" or "Mama!" No more games. Just the reality of making this life and these short years I've been granted the best ever.