hard time etiquette

When I say, "hard time," I'm not referring to jail sentences.

I'm referring to times like when your boyfriend breaks up with you, you're having family drama, your job is shaky, one of your best friends tells you you're too needy, or you've just gotten bad news in the health department.

Some people hold all the hard time in.

I can't do that.

Not at all.

Sometimes, I really, really wish I could.

So what's a person to do when it feels like one or more life cornerstones have vanished and toppling into the abyss is looking like a very real possibility?

Here are a few things I have learned during my Hard Times, which I hope may help you if you are ever in one of these situations.

Rule number one in this day and age, if your heartache is related to any relationship, is No negative social media. None. Don't post cryptic comments condemning the perceived narcissist in your life. (It could be that the actual narcissist is YOU.) Don't post "poor me" comments and expect someone to take pity on you and ask you what the matter is. Just don't do it. It's in poor taste and I really can't recommend it. Don't even write blog posts about it! The fact is, while people love you and care about you, playing it that way really just makes you look like you're about thirteen years old emotionally. Maybe that's why sometimes I still mess up and do this -- because sometimes I feel about thirteen emotional years old.

Rule number two is related: try to fix the problems between you and the other person in your relationships with that person. Sometimes you legitimately need to talk to another person about what is happening, but chances are, if you communicate with the person directly, it will actually be easier on everybody. Being emotionally honest is hard; in the end, it will likely benefit you because then you will have dealt with the person directly, no he-said or she-said, and the other people close to you don't know all the details. This is especially hard to do with spouses or boyfriends/girlfriends. Because every time you tell a sister or mom or brother or friend something about the other person that really grated your cheese, they remember it. They might not see all the other good things the person does. So if you are considering getting back together with someone or whatever, the people you've told about your relationship's trials and tribulations will only remember the complaining that you did, and they will wonder why you're so daft as to actually think about putting yourself together with someone who did this, that, or the other thing to hurt you (or that you plain old didn't like) previously. I hate to tell you this, but this is what therapy, or strangers on airplanes are for. (I'm not trying to trivialize therapy. I'm just saying, sometimes, the point is that you tell a stranger who doesn't know any of the people involved so you can sort your feelings out by talking about it. Sometimes strangers on the plane really won't cut it -- there is no substitute for a good therapist.)

Rule number three: when someone, or a piece of bad information, does blindside you, and you feel a cornerstone is being ripped away unexpectedly, remember that it's okay to cry. It's okay to FEEL. It's okay to be mad at someone, and to tell them about it. In fact, feeling is preferable to being numb. I know it doesn't always feel that way at the time...but feelings are a blessing. It proves you're not a rock, or an island, you're a human being. Try to really feel it, ride it out, and then do everything in your power to move on. It might take a few cycles of crying or howling in rage or feeling really, really sorry for yourself, but still, do your best to move on and choose to look for ways to smile instead.

Rule four: take some time and do something nice for someone else. If you're feeling needy, try to forget yourself for awhile and think about someone else. It will probably snap you out of your doldrums and make you realize that you are not the only person with problems, thereby making you feel slightly better.

Rule five: Be quiet within yourself. Take time to be grateful for the things you have. Try not to be bitter about the things you don't have (like the fact that you're currently missing one or more cornerstones and you feel like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.). Sometimes, to get to that place of quiet, you need to exorcise the feelings in you. Writing is often the best way to do that. So write things down in a negative journal that you never go back and read. My art history teacher told me once that people are more likely to write in their journals when bad things are happening in their life. I was talking to my mom the other day and she mentioned a time that was really hard for her...my sister and I were both home for a period of a few months. Neither of us had jobs, and we were both erstwhile students. We were both sick, and so our spirits were down. We were crabby in general, and fought a lot. Mom said it was one of the hardest periods of her life to have two grown squabblers on her hands all the time. (After all, it's not really like she could put us in time out.) I don't really remember any of that. But what I do remember is that during that time, I wrote in my journal. Every day. I went through several pens and wrote a lot of nonsense. And every night as I wrote to myself, I thought, "Mr. Hall, you were right." Writing down things is good catharsis. But limit the time...don't let trying to think of the perfect way to describe your anguish take up any more mental energy. Just get it out. It doesn't have to be pretty, just get it done, and then move on.

That's a lot of rules, and it's hard not to feel like you're an exception to all the rules when you're feeling down and having a Hard Time. But hard times will pass. Just have faith, ride it out, and think, "tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it." Have feelings. Forgive yourself, and others, if necessary. People come and go in your life, and bad stuff happens. But there are many things to smile about in a day, if we just look around at the people around us.

I heard a talk awhile ago that made me think of this. I don't always like this speaker's topics, but this time, something really resonated with me and I sometimes make a joke about it as I tell people in gross understatement: "Hope ya know, I had a hard time."