phone + snippets

HH has been away the last couple of days, which has stunk a bit because I miss him, but also because I have a cold. :(

Today a glass pitcher fell on my back and then hit the floor, leaving a ginormous divet, and broke in a zillion tiny pieces and it took forever to attempt to clean up. I am hopeful HH can fix it.

Yesterday, both my kids dragged me under the mistletoe to kiss their cheeks. I am grateful for the hugs they so freely give.

I am grateful that I have nieces and nephews, sisters and brothers. Today I am Auntie x11. I've met a couple of my nieces (who are actually closer to my age than my kids') only a couple of times, but I am excited to meet the new little guy who joined the world today. Each child in my family is lovely and unique. I am so grateful for all I learned about being a mom from watching my siblings be parents. I would like to give a special shout out to K and IGPM and their parents for allowing me to be so bossy and interfering all these years. :)

I was thinking about how I like talking to my family, and I called HH today to check in, and gave the phone to my kids. I realized something after about five seconds: my kids don't know how to use the phone. It's hilarious. They hold the phone six inches away from their mouth (not their ear) and don't know how to put it on speakerphone. I tried to put it next to L's ear and he looked at me like, "what are you doing, Mom?" It's so strange to me. I saw my mom on the phone all the time, and I'm sure I had made a zillion phone calls to Dad's office, my childhood friend's houses, and whoever else would pick up the phone, by the time I was ten. It's so interesting to me that their technology is not phone, but video, and they have no idea what to do with just a plain old audio device.

Here's to phones. Here's to communications. Here's to good old-fashioned audio devices.

gratitude

Today I did Pilates from the server.

It was weird: a couple of the girls in the background were wearing olive green unitards that were cropped. A capri unitard? I ask you, what could be more ridiculous? I

It was hard: I didn't know all the terms, and just following was hard. The instructor wasn't going particularly fast, but of course they gave the most camera time to the girl that doesn't sweat and has perfect form in front, instead of the girl behind who was doing the modified version (what I really needed to see). I honestly just gave up and laughed at myself and my flailing efforts a few times.

It was good: I felt better afterwards. I felt taller, lighter, and just a little bit better about myself. Of course, I need a mat. The example people were on oval dais-looking things and it reminded me of the post-baby body workout Mom used to do. I would watch it with her sometimes to see the cute babies. I still sometimes have the theme song, "The twoooooo of us...." stuck in my head.

I am grateful for a body that can, over time, get stronger, even though often I fret because I am tired. So often at the end of the day I feel like a dishrag that has been wrung out to the last drop. I feel emotionally and physically "done." Luckily for me, HH says "he's never done" and so he encourages me to keep on going, to keep on trying, and to keep on doing whatever I can to make my life better. Although I am not grateful for the fatigue I suffer, I am grateful for the strength of character that dealing with the fatigue has given me.

I recently read a talk that posited an interesting idea: instead of being grateful "for" things, we should be grateful "in" whatever circumstances we are in. It's fairly easy to count your blessings when they are readily apparent, and when the good times are rolling. But when you feel cold and rainy inside, and you feel like you do not even have one parade float inside of you, it is so hard -- extremely difficult -- to feel like you want to be "in" anything at all -- much less to be grateful for it.

I have been there, in the cold and dark emotional places of the world, where you feel like your emotions are wrapped in sludgy jello and you're so emotionally drained you don't even care if you feel anything ever again.

I have also been in a place of incandescent happiness, of joy, of laughter. Each time one of my boys reaches out to take my hand and holds it longer than necessary, I am buoyed up. My little IPGM is growing up so fast, and he listened to one of my boys air all his sorrows and grievances (which are no fault of his own), and I almost cried, I was so grateful for his love and affection toward my boy who has hurt so much.

I am grateful for choices. Most particularly, I am grateful for the choice I have to love freely, unconditionally, and to love people for all of the good things they are and do, even if I don't love all the things they do all the time.

Having my HH and my boys has healed something inside of me, and made me stronger, more loving, more accepting, and more grateful for the small things, like little tendril curls of squashes and melons, four-inch-long slugs, tree frogs, paved roads, rain, and the mail.

I am more at peace (generally) than I think I have ever been. It is beautiful, and although my level of gratitude ebbs and flows depending on how well my children listen to me, how tired I am, and other factors, I hope I will be able to look at this time if I am ever in the dark and remember all the love and affection in my life.

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and are ready to take Christmas in stride!

gifts: making of, and giving, and Christmas approaching! + politics

I am getting a new nephew in a month or so. This will be my first (and perhaps last?) niece/nephew since I got married. I went to my sister - in-law's shower on Saturday. I made her a quilt with cute little fishies on one side and clouds and stars on the other. I told her I hoped she knew we would love her little guy from the depths of the sea to the stars in the sky.

I have mixed feelings about gifting my creations. I am happy to share, but I sometimes have a hard time letting go and just being grateful for the ability to create things and not worry about whether the item will be used or enjoyed as much as I hoped/dreamed/anticipated. It's a lot of work to do these things, and if you don't feel like it's appreciated, it makes you never want to do it again.

For example, I made an apple pie a couple of weeks ago. One of my kids refused to even try it and the other ate one bite and rejected it. Because of the circumstances, I felt like it had been an act of slavery to even try. I love apple pie. I was devastated beyond all reason (I was really tired, and I never seem to look at things reasonably when I'm exhausted) and their rejection of my hard work went straight to my "I'm taking this personally, even though I know I shouldn't" place. I vowed never to make an apple pie, or maybe even any other kind of pie, ever again.

I'm taking a risk this Christmas on gifts for my kids. This will be our first. They don't know about Reindeer Moments. They don't know about St. Lucia day. They don't know about Nine Days to Christmas, the Story of Holly and Ivy, the nativity I have planned, or Ramona and the Wise Persons. I am so excited to share all the wonder and goodness with them. I have so many things I love...if they don't enjoy Christmas crackers, then they'll have to hand in their little boy cards!

Just this morning we were debating about wake-up time for Christmas morning. Seven o'clock seems like disastrously late to them. It seems disastrously early to me. We do have 11 am church, so perhaps, in order to fit ALL the festivities in, we will need to get that early of a start. I hope not. Grouchy tired Christmas is not really what I have in mind.

I have been so grateful for being really excited for Christmas. I have felt lonely around the holidays for the last few years, and to finally have my own family for Christmas seems like the best ever. You only get one first Christmas with your kids. Mine is unusual because my kids will someday, perhaps, maybe remember a tiny smidge of it.

There has been a lot of heartache and bad feeling in this country. There has been, and continues to be, a lot of anxiety. I can't believe my neighbors voted to pass some of the initiatives that were put into place. I felt upset by the outcome of the statewide election. (Let's not talk about how I felt about the national outcome.) I thought that if they had voted with the children in mind, that the result of the vote would have been different.

But then I thought about Christmas, and about love, and about giving gifts. Yes, I'm still rankled if I think about it too hard. But the best thing I can do is to love my neighbors. Even the weird guy who sometimes wanders around wearing just underwear. I can make a difference in my community. I can be a force for the things I believe in. And I am grateful for the gift to see that no matter what happens in any election, I can still be the kind of person I want to be. Yeah, I'll probably still be neurotic about making and giving gifts. I'm working on letting go of that. But I think of the love my kids show me and I am overcome with the conviction that I can, and must, do my part -- to teach them, to love them, to do my best to help them become wise, loving, thinking, open-minded people who can love their neighbors and have a desire to make the world a better place.

yellow and grey

There are only two kinds of mornings: yellow and grey. They are all bleary. We have light reducing shades in our room, so I never know what kind of day it will be until I open the blinds. The first thing I notice is whether it is "yellow" outside or "grey." It's interesting that my brain doesn't comprehend blue sky. I think it's because I'm always looking out at the backyard and the sun catches the highlights on the grass and turns them a color that my early-morning blinkery blink blink scrunchy-faced filter processes as "yellow." In the absence of yellow, I look to the sky and see only grey.

Grey is beautiful, but I appreciate yellow now, too -- more than I think I ever have. It used to be L's favorite color (until recently) and I got some colored pencils that have about twenty shades of it. I never thought about twenty shades of yellow before. I know there are hundreds of shades of grey, but my mind had not been open to yellow before.

Here's to the last few "yellow" days before the grey sets in for what will probably seem like for good.

sweet things

Today I had some fun playing baseball with the boys. Apparently, it's been too long since we played, since they decided merely running around in a convenient circle without any sort of bases whatsoever and chucking the ball at the runner instead of tagging them is legal. We had a great time anyway.

This week has been a little crazy; last Wednesday L got sick; Thursday, N got sick, and Saturday, HH got sick. I felt unwell, but did not have a fever of 102 like the rest of them. It felt so strange -- bedtime went out the window, since we were going to be up half the night anyway. We watched way more TV than usual due to illness and to General Conference, and our food choices consisted of odd combinations of bread, rice, bananas, and apples. Going to the store was completely out of the question. I tried to make fresh bread on a delayed timer but I didn't read the instructions, so the bread was ready too soon (turns out the timer includes bake time). Honestly, it was pretty bad, the whole thing -- everyone knew they should eat, but didn't want to. I am really grateful that I managed to scrape by relatively unscathed. If we had all been down, I have no idea what we would have done.

Today L caught a frog and I took a priceless picture of him which I cannot post because I cannot find my phone. I seem to always be hunting for my phone and my checkbook -- two things which rarely were lost when I was single. It's interesting how life can change so quickly.

L and I had some quality time tonight while HH took N camping. I made him his favorite (spaghetti) and steamed him the last of the broccoli from the garden. I cooked nearly a pound of pasta for the two of us and it was nearly gone. He really, really likes spaghetti. We also had Reese's cookies and watched a movie and had extra long cuddles.

He also really, really likes me. He told me he loves to look at my face and that I am gentle, sweet, and nice. What a precious sweetheart he is.

We are busy planning our one-year anniversary. Or rather, should I say, I am busy planning. Obviously, a few things (like Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and L's birthday, to name a few) come first, but for me, a big highlight of the year will be New Years Eve. Not only is it a new year, but it is also me celebrating one whole year of having met my whole family. I am hoping to have a big shindig. Or at least fun, if not big. It's a big deal to me, so I want to go all-out! Anyone with extra special celebratory ideas, please share.

beets and beats

Our house has something really cool about it: it's wired so you can hear the music throughout the whole house. It doesn't matter whether you're in the bathroom, the kitchen, your bedroom or the living room -- you can go from place to place and hear the same music. The speakers are high-quality; sometimes, you can hear the music from outside the house if we are having a dance party. (Sometimes I wonder if our neighbors wish we would move.)

We often listen to music as we eat dinner. Sometimes, if it's on the weekend, we play soundtrack tunes and have "name that movie" contests. My HH always is the DJ for these, and half the time, it ends up in a full-on dance-a-thon that makes dinner go on for quite awhile.

Dinner used to be something of a struggle at our house. When I met my boys, they were not very adventurous in their food choices. I think it caused their dad some anxiety, wondering if he could take them out or to someone else's house -- because what if they wouldn't eat what was on the menu? Sometimes he even cooked two dinners in the same day. I was determined to change this, but uncertain how to proceed.

We take it a day at a time. We began an experiment: we gave the boys one day each to choose what they would like for dinner. The dinner has to be balanced (include a source of protein, veggies, and a starch), and they cannot choose the same thing as their brother in any given week, and they cannot choose the same thing two weeks in a row. In addition, they need to help the main dinner maker make the dish, and go to the store to procure ingredients, if a trip to the market is required. They are lucky, because usually what one likes, the other does, too, so they have two guaranteed "I like this a lot" meals in any given week. The rest of the time, they must eat what is on their plate -- without complaining -- a Herculean task. I do make the concession of trying to have at least one side I know they like with every meal so they don't feel like life is miserable, but that's about it.

I think that part of teaching my boys to fish is helping them to use proper table manners, have appropriate dinner conversation skills, and to eat a variety of types of cuisine.

Tonight, I had what can only be determined as a "mom win."

Before I can explain my victory, I need to give some background: the boys have been discovering that fresh and ripe and from the garden/tree is the very best way to eat things. Things that were "okay" or brought out the "sour" face (I wish I had a picture of L's, it is 'legendary', to use his own phraseology) when eaten fresh from the garden generate thumbs up and "My tastebuds changed, mom! I like it!"

I wasn't feeling well, so T, stalwart and steadfast as ever, made dinner all by himself. T does not love cooking -- it does not bring him the innate sense of joy which feeding my family brings to me. But he does take putting food on the table very seriously, and if his help is what is needed, he will gladly offer it. He is always in charge of dinner whenever we have fish, steak, or hamburgers. They honestly just taste so much better when he makes them.

So dinner was on the table tonight. We were having sauteed garden beans (some from our garden are a foot long this year) and beets. We planted a variety pack -- so we have white, yellow, and red beets.  I had to remind L several times to eat his, as he was getting distracted. I was internally dreading the moment when he actually would get around to eating them -- I figured his "sour" face would come out and then I would tense up. I have gotten a lot better at not taking it personally when the boys don't like things, but honestly, sometimes it feels like they are rejecting my very best friends!

L put one beet in his mouth and I could tell he was prepared to not like it one bit. He had his "I must do this -- it will kill me, but I will do it anyway" face on, and I was preparing myself for a skirmish ... but much to my surprise, his face changed, and before he had even finished eating the second piece on his plate, he asked for more. N was not as enthusiastic, but was not naysaying either: "not too bad," which is his standard comment. Both boys even ate their sauteed garden beans -- without comment. I can assure you, even a couple of months ago, that would not have been the case.

I am proud of my boys for coming so far. They have increased their food repertoire by leaps and bounds, and reduced their complaining by standard deviations. Dinnertime still takes way too long, but it can actually be fun, instead of almost always a battle.

I decided to make a list of the foods they have tried and eaten (some with some mild complaints -- but they always eat it) since I met them:

mushrooms (N actually will ask for them now)
beets
spaghetti (in N's case; it is L's favorite and he asks for it at least every other week, even if we have zucchini noodles, which he hates)
taco meat
enchiladas
black beans (with said taco meat)
peanut butter sandwiches (the jelly is the only thing that make it tolerable, according to N)
zucchini bread (they think it tastes just like banana bread -- probably because I admittedly told them so)
green beans
savory peach pork chops
crookneck yellow squash
stir fry
potstickers
peaches
nectarines
pears
strawberries (L will eat them most times; N will only eat ones from the garden)
homemade pizza (I was told "I will hate it" before I made it for them)
italian sausage


Things I would like to try:
creamy chicken enchiladas
chili
beef scramble
chicken noodle soup (N detests broth, but I think L will eat it now)
sweet curry, like my mom used to make for us
hamburger bean bake
turkey tetrazzini (I don't know why, but I had a sudden craving for it the other day that won't go away)
split pea soup
ham and white bean soup
beef stew
cauliflower rice
kabocha squash
and loads more

Soups are hard, since N really does not like broth or things that are wet at all, but with winter coming on, it will be hard for me to do without them. I am hoping we can all find at least a few new things. I have been seeking new recipes out and have decided to try at least two new recipes a month. I will find more than that -- I do love to look for new recipes. Here's hoping I find some really good ones!!

teaching boys to fish

There have been lots of ... how can I say this ...  character building opportunities in my life lately. Everyone at my house has been adjusting to being together again after a summer hiatus, and that takes time, patience, and understanding from everyone. The kids have come to roll their eyes at my new mantra regarding skill-building and following through: "We are teaching boys to fish." There have also been a few good things.

My garden is going crazy (in a good way). I learned so much what NOT to do for next year. I have only had to go to the store twice in the couple of weeks because we are able to get so much goodness from our garden. I have had fresh peaches every day for almost three weeks now -- or nectarines. My choice! (Thanks to the generosity of my mother.) I have great hopes and aspirations for the 2017 growing season. I realize I never did post photos of my garden -- they're stuck in an unfinished blog post somewhere.

This morning, after breakfast of waffles, bacon, whipped cream and peaches, the boys were trying to delay the inevitability of Saturday chores. They sure know how to get me to go along with it: they sweetly each put their heads on my lap and one pretended to be a cat and the other pretended to be a dog. My boys are so kind and loving. They have a wonderful example to follow -- their dad is always trying to give me the best of everything, whether it's the larger "half" of the dessert, the bacon the way I like it, first dibs on dinner food, and opening the door. They are all very protective and loving. L especially does not like it when I am hurt, and is super gallant -- always opening doors for me and ushering me through. N also gives me hugs whenever I like and knows just what to say to cheer me up.

Soon, the boys won't want to sit in my lap or hold my hand voluntarily as we walk down the road on the way home from the school bus. They are growing up. Every day they can handle a little more. They have had a lot to deal with in the last 18 months, and all things considered, they are doing marvelously.

Teaching boys to fish is hard. But when they bring me the fish they've caught, it brings a sense of satisfaction and happiness that cannot be replicated. My family is my struggle and my joy -- just as God meant it to be. And although some days are hard, the sweet love we have in our home is worth it. Everyone contributes -- everyone here is fishing for love. Good thing our lake house is stocked!

mowing the lawn

A couple of days I was mowing the lawn. It is tiring work -- we have a lot of lawn, and my husband really needs to sharpen the blade on our mower. The astounding number of dandelions we have manage to 'cultivate' on our property doesn't help, either.

I was in the zone, concentrating on finishing before my energy ran out.

--It occurred to me that living here has inured me to many things: uneven lawns, molehills and molepotholes, many random twigs and even branches that pop up. Some things I don't think I'll ever get used to: yesterday as my husband and I were outside just enjoying the sunshine a deer scared us nearly to death as it came crashing through the forest.

Something else that will take a long time to get used to is mowing over 4" long slugs. I am used to seeing the slimy creatures everywhere, but it's just uncomfy to run them over. It's always on accident, but it makes my heart squirm a little bit. --

Then my husband tapped me on the shoulder. He surprised me into releasing the mower, which was his intention. He had something in his hand, but as he reached toward me, whatever it was fell out of his hand. I thought maybe he had caught me a bug, which my younger son does for me all the time, but I admit I have never really liked the "bug catching" thing. Seeing the bugs without catching, yes. But captive bugs, no.

I wondered what had fallen. I bent down, and saw one of the cutest little things I had ever seen: a baby pacific tree frog. It was beautiful. It was copper on the back and dull, almost toady green on its sides, but brilliant in its iridescence. It would fit on the knuckle of my thumb -- my quilters' eye tells me he was between 1/2" and 3/4" long.  And I really wish I had had a camera so I could have taken a picture of it -- but I really enjoyed watching it. Its heart was racing, its breathing fast. Its toes were so tiny -- thinner than a sewing pin, and nearly translucent.

One of my favorite poems as a kid has a line:

the three-toed tree toad
sings his sweet ode
to the moon

I checked. It had three toes. I felt unreasonably gratified that this small, quick creature fit my mental image. I was so glad that I got to see this little three-toed tree toad. He wasn't singing his sweet ode to the moon, but my husband was singing a sweet ode to me. He knows I am curiouser and curiouser, and that I love living things and new experiences. He brought the little guy (he found him in the grass) to see me because he wants to share beautiful things with me. I felt like by bringing the tree toad to me, he was telling me so sweetly that he loved me, that he is interested in me, and that he, too, likes to feel the wonder of brand new things -- in this case, a tiny little beautiful tree frog.

I have included a picture of what the little guy will look like when he gets older. He is not so green now, and has more copper on his back that is brighter and more liquid looking -- not so many froggy bumps. Still super cute, though!

school bus

I was a chaperone on a field trip on May 26. It was draining, and showed me how little kids actually learn on field trips because they're so wrapped up in the "going" and the experience of /being/ in the place--in the novelty of being there, that they don't really pay attention to what they are doing or where they are.

The parents had to ride separately from the kids, and it happened that we arrived at the destination before the students. A few of the parents (including me) were crossing the street and we could hear the school bus from ACROSS the street. Later, one of the kids in my group said it was so loud her ears were still ringing. She was smiling; it seemed like she didn't mind too much. 


In honor of my school bus memories, here is a poem:

impossibly loud
squishy seats, sticky floors
fun memories made

cuddles

during cuddles:

me: what was your favorite part of the day?
LD: *points*
me: what?
LD: *rolls eyes* I'm pointing at her!!!
LD: Huge bear hug.
me: happy, happy, happiness inside

during cuddles:

me: i love you so much.
N3: I love you, too!
N3: We have the best ideas in this bed.
me: I know. We make a great team.
N3: Yes, we do! 
** a few minutes later **
me: It's time for me to go now.
N3: No!! I want you to stay and have a sleepover with me! 
N3: giant hug and squish


I made the boys rice bags so they can have something warm and cuddly to take to bed. I was careful to make them exactly the same size, and I let each boy pick his fabric. They were both so pleased! I had felt like I was slaving over them (even though they are very simple to make) because I was so exhausted. But I had made a promise that I would finish them by the end of the week (this was last week), and it was Saturday, so I was basically out of time. I pushed myself a bit, and was so glad when each of them stated more than once that they were so grateful for them and the bags were the "best gifts ever." One of those, "Yep, this is worth it" moments that are really tender mercies.

I love my boys. I love being a mom. It's the most difficult and most rewarding endeavor I have ever undertaken. Wish me luck!

gone fishin'

I went fishing for the second time in my life on Saturday. The first time, I was sixteen, and went with my good friend and her dad as part of the most activity-packed vacation I have ever been on. It was a lovely experience, and I'm glad they went to so much trouble to help me have a good time.

As an aside, I always wanted my grandpa to take me fishing when I was younger. I used to beg him, but for some reason, he never took me. Maybe it's because I talked to him so much that he thought I might disturb the fish...or him. Once I told my aunt about it and she said she thought maybe one of her girls ruined it because once they went fishing and then as soon as they got to the middle of the lake, my cousin decided she had to go to the bathroom, and so they had to go back in, and so maybe Grandpa never wanted to take anyone who couldn't pee over the side of the boat. I will never know, and it is just as well. Suffice it to say, I was quite excited to go fishing again!

Here is a picture of the pond where I went fishing. I know it looks like just a half-circle of water, but there is more water behind the little center island. Apparently there is a beaver slightly upstream that is having a field day, and so the fish are very hungry, and there are lots of them.

We went out in a little six or eight foot pontoon boat. (Yes. Fishing in a boat.) N3 caught a fish, and he and my husband came cruising into port and dashed up the yard, fish held in hand, to show me and LD. It was a tiny trout, about 8" long and 1" in diameter. We oohed and aahed and decided that we wanted to go fishing, too. So the poor fish had to wait while we pulled on our shoes, and then we trundled back to the boat and let the fishy go. (He had quite a bad shock, but ended up being well enough to swim away after a few seconds.) It was LD's turn to go fishing next. My HH hooked the worm, and on the first cast, my young sir had a fish in the boat! It was quite exciting. There was a lot of yelling and even some splashing. I wish I had a picture to show the happy look on his face. Later, he reported it was his favorite part of the (very full) day.

Then it was my turn. We ran out of worms, so I wasn't even going to get a turn, but when you get creative, sometimes opportunities knock. In this case, our opportunity was a baby slug (2") that had unwisely decided to get in the boat with us.  It met its demise as it became fish bait. (I had no idea if it would work at all. If I were a fish, I would TOTALLY rather eat a worm than a slug. Just in case you were wondering.) It turns out that if the fish are hungry enough, slugs DO work. HH cast for me, and I had the biggest fish of them all on the hook, and then in the boat, in just a couple of minutes! First cast! The fish was about a foot long and probably was 2" around. Basically, just big enough to actually keep (if I wanted to). HH said that his favorite part of the day was seeing the look on my face as the fish splashed into the boat (very splashily -- I need to work on my final reel technique, I suppose), and then again when I held him in the water and he very quickly (and with much more vigor than I anticipated) swam away. I was a little surprised, and my face showed it. I like to fully enjoy things, and try to look for fun in small experiences, and this definitely fit the bill. We all had such a good time in the boat (until it started raining, and we all got wet bums and had to come in because we weren't prepared for rain).

Looking forward to using the "gone fishin'" sign a few more times this summer!

give a little bit

I've been sick the last while. Basically, it seems like we got home from the honeymoon and I've not been quite myself since. It's a little frustrating, but it has given my husband the chance to showcase his "taking care of me" abilities -- and he has shone brighter than any star that he is great at it.

He has had a few things, too -- he hurt his foot, and also one of the kids accidentally bonked him pretty good. But instead of complaining about it a lot, like I would (and like I do, when bad things happen - :/ ) he just gives a little bit more. He pushes himself to take care of me and do things for our family...and by doing so, I want to push myself harder to be kind, to look for opportunities, to be more aware of the needs of the kids and of his needs, and to even be more aware of my own needs and how I can meet them more efficiently so I can give just a little bit back.

Supertramp had it right:

There's so much that we need to share
Send a smile and show you care

Give a little bit
Give a little bit of your love to me
I'll give a little bit of my life for you
Now's the time that we need to share
So find yourself [we're on our way back home.]

Sometimes sharing lets us find ourselves - the small nuggets of clarity or flashes of insight that we wouldn't get if we weren't thinking about meeting someone else's needs. Sometimes, a smile can go a long way to helping yourself, or the people around you, feel better. With a new marriage, new house, new working situation, and new responsibilities (including parenting two children), it's hard to feel like there is even just one more little bit at all left to give. But in giving all the rest, you get so many smiles and hugs and cuddles and love and finding yourself.

Giving is great. I'm going to go give my husband a hug. 

flowers and boys

So, before I write this post, I have some pertinent information: as of April, I have two sons. Technically, they are my "stepsons," but I don't like the distinction - I think it's lame and potentially very hurtful, particularly in the situation I am in. I am their parent, so I call them my sons, and leave out the "step."

The older one is responsive, such a good dancer, a great hugger, loves to make people laugh, and loves quality time. He is laid back (in many ways), very emotional, and does not like a surfeit of corny jokes (particularly about corn) . He can be very in tune with the emotions of other people, and worries a lot about hurting their feelings. He is very sensitive and loving -- he has what my mom would call a "tender heart."

The younger one jumps on people in excitement, is nearly professional "meow"-er, and loves to hug and be hugged. He is very direct and is, in some ways, like his brother in that he is more emotionally intelligent than many adults I know -- but how they act on their intelligence is completely different.

They are both so affectionate -- I love getting hugs from each of them. Nighttime snuggles are also really hard to beat. We have such a good time, Dad always has to come and separate us. (Oops.)

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Every day this week, my younger son has picked a yellow flower for me. When it is time to get the mail, he hops out of the car (even if it's not his turn to get it) and bends down and picks a flower for me. He likes to put it in my hair, behind my ear. I wear them there until they fall out or until his dad gently disentangles the wilted (often mutilated) petals from my tresses. My son never tires of it. He told me he would pick me a flower every day until there were no more flowers. He also picks flowers for me when we go to the park -- white flowers that look like mini-daisies are his favorite. (Mine, too.) Yellow is his favorite color.

I like yellow a lot better than I used to. His sunny face and the love in his eyes do a lot for me on days when I'm having a hard time. Sometimes his grumpy face can do a lot for me (the other way), too, but overall, we are really enjoying each other.

It has occurred to me that, because of what I know of him and his dad, flowers are really not just for girls. Flowers are also for boys. And they should get flowers sometimes, too -- and not just to give them to girls later!

My older son has such a way of smiling -- when he is happy, he can light up an entire room. His hugs are so sweet and loving, and I love watching him play outside. He almost always has a stick in his hand and is thrusting and parrying with some unseen foe (or perhaps it is a friend). He has a great way of defusing intense situations, and deflecting attention away from negative things.

I love my boys. I love the flowers in my hair. I love the hugs.